and, just like that, i'm done...

i'm home now. seems weird, ya know? like, to think i'm not going back. i'm done with school. anyways, i've had a fairly ridiculous semester, and i love relient k, and somehow, these words totally fit the situation. so, thanks relient k for supplying the words once again to describe exactly my feelings...

"i made it through the year, and i did not even collapse;
gotta say, "thank God, for that."
i'm torn between what keeps me whole
and what tears me in half;
i'll fall apart or stay intact.

with tired eyes i stumble back to bed;
i need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread,
at least not yet.

so look at me now,
it's finally christmas and i'm home;
head indoors, to get out of this weather.
and i don't know how,
but the closest friends i've ever known are all inside
singing together,
singing merry christmas, here's to many more.

it always hurt to be all by myself this time of year,
a cold and lonely christmas eve.
and living out my days alone,
well that had been my deepest fear,
but You promised You won't leave.

i look towards the east and see a star.
Jesus Christ, it's blessed my life to know just who you are;
You are my hope.

so look at me now,
it's finally christmas and i'm home;
head indoors, to get out of this weather.
and i don't know how,
but the closest friends i've ever known are all inside
singing together,
singing merry christmas, here's to many more.

deck the halls with mistletoe;
may all your heavy burdens go
up the chimney in a cloud of smoke
the fire's burning bright.
strike up the band and play the tune,
cause christmas will be here and soon;
you'll hear our song in every room
this merry christmas night.

fa la la la la la la la ...

singing merry christmas, here's to many more..."

-- relient k: merry christmas, here's to many more

only One did that for me...

"follow the star to a place unexpected
would you believe after all we’ve projected
a child in a manger
lowly and small, the weakest of all
unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mothers shawl
just a child
is this Who we’ve waited for?

cause how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
how many lords have abandoned their homes?
how many greats have become the least for me?
how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that has torn all apart?
how many fathers gave up their sons for me?

bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior
all that we have whether costly or meek
because we believe
gold for his honor and frankincense for his
pleasure and myrrh for the cross he’ll suffer
do you believe, is this who we’ve waited for?
it’s who we’ve waited for

how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
how many lords have abandoned their homes?
how many greats have become the least for me?
how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that has torn all apart?
how many fathers gave up their sons for me?
only One did that for me

all for me
all for you
all for me
all for you...

how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
how many lords have abandoned their homes?
how many greats have become the least?
how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that has torn all apart?
how many fathers gave up their sons for me?
only One did that for me...

all for me
all for you..."

-- downhere: how many kings

i heart relient k.

they certainly have a way with words.

"it's always nice to look out the window
and see those very first few flakes of snow,
and later on we can go outside
and create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky.

when february rolls around i'll roll my eyes,
turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies,
and, by the fire, my heart it heaves a sigh
for the green grass waiting on the other side.

it's always winter but never christmas;
it seems this curse just can't be lifted.
yet in the midst of all this ice and snow,
our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope.

it'd be so nice to look out the window
and see the leaves on the trees begin to show.
the birds would congregate and sing
a song of birth, a song of newer things.

the wind would calm, and the sun would shine.
i'd go outside, and i'd squint my eyes.
but for now i will simply just withdraw,
sit here, and wish for this world to thaw.

it's always winter but never christmas;
it seems this curse just can't be lifted.
yet in the midst of all this ice and snow,
our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope.

and everything it changed overnight;
this dying world, You brought it back to life.
and deep inside i felt things
shifting everything was melting
away oh away,
and you gave us the most beautiful of days.

cause when it's always winter but never christmas
sometimes it feels like You're not with us
but deep inside our hearts we know
that You are here and we will not lose hope..."

-- relient k: in like a lion (always winter)

hmmm...

less than one month now...in fact, i'm about 28 days now from my beloved texas...

you know, i was thinking (it's shocking, i know), i was trying to figure out why i seem to go through these spurts wherein i'll be really devoted to writing fairly regularly, and then i'll go for like months with nothing...and i think i've discovered it: i think i like pretending to be profound. no, no, it's true...it's odd, the whole blogging concept. think about it, when we're kids, we hide our diaries. then we become teenagers (i say this because up until recently it was my generation doing the whole blogging thing, it was my generation that started the whole blogging fad, and, even now, most baby boomers don't and the ones that do generally have/had teens that blog... and, by the way, i find it amusing that spell-check is underlining "blog"...) anyways, then we become teenagers and it becomes cool to lay all your feelings out on the internet for everyone to read. guess it goes along with the whole emo thing. plus, it's even worse with girls; it becomes a place online to back-stab other girls and gossip and discuss others' business. stupid girls. i hate girls. have i mentioned that lately? i don't like girls. they annoy me...but alas, i digress. i promised myself this one wouldn't be a rant...

ahem, where was i? oh, yes. blogging. i cannot really bring myself to write on here like a diary. thus, this becomes pretty much one of two things for me. it's a place to vent (as you've seen recently), though i endeavor to leave names and specifics out so that only a select few would ever be able to distinguish my ramblings. and i try to make it clear that i'm not trying to gossip; i'm simply venting. and since i think it's safer in some cases not to vent to one friend about another, it seems this is a fairly legit place to ramble on about what annoys me. OR, this is my place to discuss the sitcom that is my life. nothing particularly personal, just random moments that prove to me on a daily basis that God has a sense of humor, generally in His dealings with me. because my life is a walking opportunity for God to laugh, so why not use that to make others laugh? and as long as i'm laughing too, that means you're laughing with me not at me, right?...

haha, like, okay, today, a friend of mine in one of my classes asked me if i dyed my hair or was naturally blond? hahaha...oh, as if that one wasn't obvious...that one was good. cracked me up. indeed, i'm naturally blond, and i generally prove it on a day-to-day basis...so, indeed, that would be the other reason for this, to share with you the moments in my life that will maybe make you smile, even if it is at my expense.

i think though, maybe even subconsciously, this whole blog thing might be some need to prove we're not insecure. think about it. i know i try to sound more intelligent and profound on here, despite the fact that i know no one really reads this, and the ones who do know me and know i'm not as cool as i like to pretend...on the other hand, i've always believed that i sound much more intelligent in writing than i do in person...this may not be an actual example of that though...

so, what was my purpose in writing this?

i don't actually know that i have one...i might just be avoiding homework...

speaking of homework, it's less than two weeks till thanksgiving break!!! yay! and i'm going home in less than a month now...i'm so excited!!

and, christmas is coming...

charlie brown: isn't there anyone who knows what christmas is all about?

linus: sure, charlie brown, i can tell you what christmas is all about. lights, please. "and there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. and lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. and the angel said unto them, 'fear not: for behold, i bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. for unto you is born this day in the city of david a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. and this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' and suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'" that's what christmas is all about, charlie brown.

i should be doing homework

so, apparently christians have forgotten their place. no wonder the world calls us hypocrites. do you know, i attend a fairly conservative (at the moment), evangelical university, and i have personally witnessed some of the worst belly-aching and bad attitudes on this campus by so-called christians i've ever seen. i'm reminded of this early-nineties christian song by twila paris called "God is in control"...(haha, i just heard the tune in my head and it's so nineties it cracks me up...) seriously, i think some people, though they would never put it in these exact terms, are acting like God was sitting up in heaven last night when the election was called going, "what?! wait, what??!! but i thought...no, surely not...huh. wasn't expecting that one...but, i was sure liberty was going to manage to pull in enough mccain votes for the entire country...ok, well...michael! can you bring me that scroll? the one that says "ultimate plan" in big block letters at the top? i'm gonna have to pencil in a few changes..." seriously? God was not surprised. He put obama in power -- that's right, HE put obama in power -- for a reason. His plan has not changed. some people need to take a chill pill, step back, and realize that God is still in control, regardless of whether their political affiliation is. one shouldn't be so arrogant as to assume that their way is the only way and when that doesn't happen the world will somehow implode. and for all the people out there claiming they'll move to another country, go ahead. the democrats won't care. in fact, it would probably just make it easier for them...

there are a few things i do find of interest though. first off, i find it somewhat ironic that fifty years ago, obama would have been prosecuted as a red, not haled as a hero of "change". my how times have changed that people openly welcome socialism and basic communistic principles as some kind of constructive revolution. but then, every generation must learn some lessons for themselves and my generation seems to have yet to learn much of anything. we shall soon see, i suppose. second off, i didn't realize this till a friend pointed it out today: how does a guy get to run in a presidential election when they have yet to prove he is even an american citizen?? yes, that's right, he will not release his birth records. (nor will he release his law practicing records for anything previous his election as senator, which is another equally interesting story -- how does no one find that at all suspicious?? but then, the media, being so enamored by him, doesn't seem to report anything about him that might lead one to suspicions of his trustworthiness, no matter how justified those suspicions may be...) so, it's not like the secret service or the fbi or somebody won't ever be able to get a hold of those. in fact, it is strictly against the constitution that he be allowed to be sworn in without solid proof of his birthplace, which means there's still a strange chance that he might in fact be removed from eligibility and not become president. also, so i noticed that there's a dramatic difference between his live appearance and something his campaign puts out -- they darken his skin color for commercials. that man is almost as pale as i am, and honey, i'm pasty. are ya kidding me? anybody who plays the race card in my book does not deserve respect. and quite frankly, if you voted against OR FOR obama because he is black, you are just as racist as someone burning a cross in a black family's yard. race has nothing to do with it. you vote based on political stance -- race and gender are not part of the equation. finally, the economy does not seem to bode well of this. the day after his election, the stock marked plunges, what does that tell you? well, it certainly doesn't seem to be a good omen...

more importantly though, america needs to get over this split. there's little he could accomplish in the next four years that will absolutely destroy america. and there were several good turn outs in the background of the presidential race. prop 8 was passed in ca, in fact the entire west coast had a pretty close presidential race. they almost had to change oregon and ca over for a bit. it seems at the moment as though the country is split down the middle, and it becomes obama's job to reunite the country. get over it -- you won or lost, now move on. if he does terrible, change congress in two years and it will make more of a difference than anything else.

and now is the time for christians to step up, not lay down. remember that whole constant joy, unconditional love thing? yeah, use it. God puts people in power, not us. He is the one in control, not us. and His will is what's perfect, not ours. so, for some reason unexplainable to christian conservatives, God put obama in power. now render to caesar and serve your ruler. respect the president even if you disagree. you respect the position even when you don't respect the person, and understand that when you don't respect the authority of the presidency, you're not as much disrespecting the president as you are the One who put him there, God. live what you claim you believe and maybe open the bible every once in a while. cause i gotta tell you, i've read the end of the book. this isn't a surprise. and anyone who follows christian history can tell you, christianity only ever really prospers under persecution. it's been a while here in america. maybe God's sending a wake up call...

on a completely separate note: i can't wait for christmas!!

just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you
outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "yoo hoo",
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you
outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "yoo hoo",
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
let's go, let's look at the show,
we're riding in a wonderland of snow.
giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
it's grand, just holding your hand,
we're gliding along with a song
of a wintry fairy land

our cheeks are nice and rosy
and comfy cozy are we
we're snuggled up together
like two birds of a feather would be
let's take that road before us
and sing a chorus or two
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
let's go, let's look at the show,
we're riding in a wonderland of snow.
giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
it's grand, just holding your hand,
we're gliding along with a song
of a wintry fairy land

just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you
outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "yoo hoo",
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
oh yeah, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you...

-- relient k: sleigh ride

less than 40 days...

well, again, it's been a while...probably like a month or something, i didn't check.

it's been a long month. and yet, it seems like the weeks are flying by...it's odd. the leaves have already started to change, the weather's been freakishly cold lately, and tomorrow begins officially the christmas season...and i'm so excited! i love christmas! it's my favorite time of the year...the sounds, the smells, the cheery people (and some not so cheery) christmas shopping, the pretty lights on all the houses, christmas on the mountain with christmas convo and coffeehouse and open dorms, flying home and seeing all the soldiers in the airports on holiday leave...it's just the best! and i can't believe it's so close...it freaks me out. less than forty days and i'll be a college graduate. i can remember how terrified i was the night before i was supposed to leave to drive up here...i couldn't begin to imagine being this close to graduating...and then i blinked. and now it's three and a half years later and i'm just over a month from being done. and yet...

it seems like an eternity. not to graduation, that's close. from the beginning of the semester. i knew coming into it, this would be my hardest semester, academically speaking. i didn't figure i'd be that homesick, since i knew this would be the end. and i knew it would be hard to say goodbye to my friends. and that will be hard. but i wasn't anticipating the strain this semester would put on me from home. that was a low blow.

it's funny how sometimes you have this one defining moment in time that everything else just revolves around. it's like time just stops, and, from that moment on, you just know -- nothing will be the same again. it may go back to "normal", but that moment has become this defining moment for your life, something you'll judge everything that happens against. and sometimes those defining moments are good: graduating high school, turning sixteen, your first real job, etc. but it seems our lives are best defined by those moments that challenge us. not those wherein we've reached a mountain top, but instead those wherein we are forced, not to look down at ourselves, but instead up to our Rescue. it seems most defining moments revolve around some kind of rock bottom, a helplessness that demands nothing less than every bit of our surrender to the only One Who's arm is long enough to reach down into the whole we've fallen into and strong enough to pull us out.

it seems i've had my share of these moments. don't misunderstand me; i am by no means in a bad place, particularly not one i've created myself. i am blessed beyond measure. but my semester has been redefined by this moment God put into my life, a moment that begged nothing less than my absolute and total submission to God's will. and time stopped. and things will eventually go back to normal, but i doubt it will ever be the same. and that is what my semester has been defined by. my walk with God, my grades in class, my focus, my time with friends, my activities, my every moment; it has all been defined by this single point in time when my world collapsed around me and i was forced to face some of my worst fears and let go.

letting go. that's been a huge one this semester. transparency is hard for me, but if i'm going to be honest, that is one of the bigger lessons God has been teaching me these last few months -- He is bigger than and far more important than any earthly belonging i have or had or ever will have. and it scares me. and i don't really like dealing with it. in fact, it still causes me a slight pang, even to write. i lost pretty much everything. like, most all of my belongings. pretty much anything i didn't have with me (which was most of my stuff since i didn't bring much for my last semester) is gone, lost forever to that dadgum hurricane. and you know what, i can't change that. and you know, in the midst of my anger at God and my questioning His judgment, He had the audacity to love me. and then, to add insult to injury, He had my itunes shuffle start playing a song that inevitably brought me to tears...and it hit me: God is bigger than anything that hits me. and i haven't even got it the worse. i'm more blessed than a lot of people back home, let alone the impoverished world. and more than my material things, God is bigger than any storm i face.

and so here i am, month and a half later, still dealing. and at that not well. and just over a month left to go. and it hits me, all this stuff in the Bible seems to revolve around forty days. Jesus remained between ascension and resurrection forty days to get the ball ol' Petey dropped rolling again with His ministry and offer some instruction and encouragement. Further, Jesus was in the wilderness fasting, praying, and being tempted for forty days. But i think most applicable is that Noah sat in a boat full of seasick land-dwelling animals and grumpy shipmates for forty days, all the while riding out the biggest, baddest (and only) thunderstorm he'd ever seen or faced. so it seems logical then that if Noah can do it, so can i.

so here i am, with a God bigger than the storm i'm in behind me and nothing left to lose except my pride, forty days left to go in what has quickly become the longest and most draining semester of my life...

bring on the rain.

God is bigger than
the air i breathe
the world we'll leave
God will save the day
and all will say
my Glorious

the world's shaking
with the love of God
Great and Glorious
let the whole earth sing

and all You ever do
is change the old for new
people, we believe that

God is bigger than
the air i breathe
the world we'll leave
God will save the day
and all will say
my Glorious

clouds are breaking
heaven's come to earth
hearts awakening
let the church bells ring

and all You ever do
is change the old for new
people, we believe that

God is bigger than
the air i breathe
the world we'll leave
and God will save the day
and all will say
my Glorious
my Glorious
my Glorious
my Glorious...

God is bigger than
the air i breathe
the world we'll leave
and God will save the day
and all will say
my Glorious

glory, glory
send Your glory
glory, glory
send Your glory...

-- Chris Tomlin: My Glorious

hmmm...

so, i realize it's been almost 3 months since i last said anything, and this post isn't going to be particularly informative, but i thought i'd leave a small bit anyway. suffice it to say, i've had an unexpectedly busy semester. busy, but fun. i've grown closer to some of the most amazing girls i've ever met and further from some friends i never thought i'd forget, but, more importantly, i've grown. and for that, i thank God. actually, some friends and i were talking about that, how much we've changed in the last two and a half years, and i have to say, of all the things i expected, this was not in the picture. i never expected to be one of "those" girls, wearing colors or caring (at least a little) how i look. i never expected to sit up half the night having deep conversations and laughing my head off with a girl who wears more pink than barbie and actually enjoys listening to the gaithers, and least of all to have come to call her one of my all time best friends. yeah, there have been a lot of "unexpecteds" here. it's been tougher than i thought it would be, and some of my greatest learned lessons have come with a lot of pain involved. but i wouldn't trade it for anything.

so, as yet another semester winds down to a close and i contemplate the fact that a year from now i'll be getting ready to graduate (and that terrifies the crap outta me), i thought, being in a christmassy mood, i'd post the lyrics to a christmas song i absolutely love for others' enjoyment (because i'm so sure anyone other than me reads my thoughts...). so, here ya go. this is "i celebrate the day" by relient k:

and with this Christmas wish is missed
the point i could convey.
if only i could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life,
because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve.
and, from a lack of my persistency,
we're less than half as close as i want to be.

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes, did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes, did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?

and so this christmas i'll compare the things i felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear,
that You have come to meet me here.

to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me,
in the hope that what You did
that you were born so i might really live.
to look back and think that
this baby would one day save me.

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes, did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?

and the first time
that You opened Your eyes, did You realize that You would be my Savior?
and the first breath that left Your lips,
did You know that it would change this world forever?

and i, i celebrate the day
that You were born to die,
so i could one day pray for You to save my life

pray for You to save my life

pray for You to save my life...