closing time: every new beginning starts with some other beginning's end

so, after three and a half years, the time has come. i've decided instead of revamping this blog to just start a new one to "chronicle" my new job and life now that i'm "out of school". check it out:
http://runinsuchaway-1cor9.blogspot.com/
:)

change is good...

so, i'm considering changing the name of my blog. i dunno what to yet, but this is kinda a heads up in case this address ceases to exist at some point. i just think "libertypenguinlover" is a bit outdated, ya know? it's the one i started out with some three years ago, and i'm no longer at liberty. anyways, it's time for a change and i just thought i'd give fair warning...

I GOT THE JOB!!

so, i'm so excited! first of all, i'd really like to thank everyone who's been praying for me and this job. it means a lot to me, and i know this was totally a God thing.

so after months of putting in resumes and hearing nothing back, my mom and i were driving one day and we saw this billboard. and she was struck by this brilliant idea. the billboard was for bay area christian school, and her idea was that i apply there. see, bay area is this really sweet christian school of about 700 kids in this really nice part of town. it's about half an hour from me, and i have a pretty cool history with them, because i started out there. i went k through the first part of 3rd grade there, and it's kinda cool now that this where i'm gonna be starting out my career. they have awesome academics, awesome facilities, awesome spiritual life, and an awesome atmosphere. anyways, i put in my app, and i interviewed there about a week and a half ago.

so, i'd asked friends to pray about this with me and all, because i really wanted this job and i felt like it was where i'm supposed to be. well, all the praying paid off, because this afternoon i got a phone call, and...I GOT THE JOB!!!

it's amazing! i'm so excited! i go in monday to sign my contract and pick up my textbooks. i'll be teaching algebra 1, geometry, algebra 2, and a 7th grade bible class. i'm so psyched for this! i wanna thank everyone again who's been praying for me to get a job and ask that y'all continue to pray as i'm gonna be teaching for the first time.

yay! :)

new computer!!!

so, i got a new computer today!! yay!!

my old one had been kinda dieing more and more...and more...it was making loud noises and my hard drive was vibrating louder than my phone...it was bad. and a couple of weeks ago it started randomly shutting itself off. it was running really bad...so, my parents randomly decided to get me a new computer...and i'm so excited!!

yay!

peace.

little things annoy me. probably little things that shouldn't annoy me, but they do nonetheless. i hate when people (and by people, i mainly mean mass media) claim that the bible/Jesus says/said things that are quite the opposite of what was actually said. for instance, anyone who has ever read the gospels knows with much certainty that Jesus claimed more than once that He was God, thus the blasphemy charge the pharisees arrested Him for. and this would have been a very true accusation, had it not been that Jesus was in fact God. that was a pretty ridiculously serious claim to the jews, saying you were God, so the incredulity of the pharisees was not totally unfounded. the only saving grace for Jesus' claim was that He was God, so the statement was true, not blasphemous. but i didn't get on to discuss the theological implications of Jesus' claim to deity; i digress. the point then is that anyone who's read the gospels knows Jesus made it clear that He believed Himself God. now, then, what do the mushy, conformist "professional experts" from the most liberal colleges in the country they get on the news or the history channel say? "oh, Jesus never actually claimed to be God; that's something the church made up." if He never claimed to be God, He chose a sorry lifestyle, mislead a great deal of people, picked a nasty way to die, and apparently had a different definition for the word "god" when He chose to claim that He was "God."

so then why should it surprise anyone that other things these cushy "experts" -- people who, by the way, don't believe any of the things they spent their life studying; instead they spent their professional careers trying to disprove their field of expertise and these non-arguments are the best evidence they can find against one of arguably the most influential characters in the world's history -- that other things these cushy experts have claimed is not only misleadingly false, it's directly against Jesus' own words?

i suppose the reason it bothers me most is that it seems most people listen along, believing everything the news/discovery/history channel says without ever attempting to look at the opposing opinion's view and evidence. like lost, wandering children, they take the first hand that's offered them, regardless of whether that hand is a friend's or a kidnapper's. here's a wild idea: maybe everything mass media claims isn't true; maybe they're not always the friend. so when they say something is unbendingly true about the bible, a piece of literature they consider fiction, isn't there just the slightest possibility that what they're saying serves more their own agenda than is actual fact? if this is the case, and what they say serves their own agenda, shouldn't you check their agenda and see perhaps what all they may be "bending the truth" on to fit their views?

i think we would all agree that it's ridiculous for religions to kill each other for not conforming to the one's beliefs. after all, the point of one having independent thought and opinion is that one can choose what one wants to believe. if one is simply blindly following and obeying out of fear, is one really believing? no. it's not genuine. that goes for any religion. but i think anyone who uses their half a brain could figure out that opposing religions of the world are never going to be able to just sit down, talk it out, come to some kind of agreement, and be all peaceful and one with one another. that's a fairly naive thought. [[it's been said that where one or two people are gathered together, there will be at least eighteen opposing points of view...]] for instance, the koran, whether you want to believe it or not, does state that if someone does not convert, they should be killed. now we all agree that most muslims, if you get to know them, are fairly peaceful people on the whole. particularly within america. but the reason that some are radical enough to do things like 9-11 or blow themselves up to kill a few "infidels" is because they take the koran very literally. and as long as someone is there to take the koran at it's word and interpret it literally, there will be "radical islam" and thus suicide bombers.

so then what are we supposed to do? take away their koran and tell them not to believe that nonsense? isn't that what today's liberal media is asking "radical christians" who are opposed to abortion and euthanasia and homosexual rights to do? well when it's a muslim, people get up in arms over it and say we're trampling their rights. (which is almost true to some extent. they have the right to believe whatever they want. it's when they break the law with manslaughter that they deserve to be prosecuted.) besides, more importantly, we all know it wouldn't work. there would form some other radical faction for killing.

so then why do people believe that some kind of easy peace of religion is possible, wherein all religions of the world will gather together in one conference room, sit in circle, holding hands, and sing kumbaya? how would that be possible, when the muslim would believe that all the peopl in the room unwilling to convert should be killed, the buddhist doesn't even believe it matters whether or not there is a god, the atheist believes it matters because there is no such thing as a god, the hedonist believes everyone is their own god, and the christian stands unwavering that there is one true God and the others will go to hell if they don't believe, a fact which a "radical" christian would be willing to die for?

in fact, anyone who's done even a cursory glance at the religions of the world should be able to conclude that there will be no peace among religions. sure, we all hope for it and strive towards a mostly peaceful existence, but we're in america. since when did the rest of the world -- particularly the third world countries in turmoil that are known for being jealous of our power and hating our presence -- care what we think or do? their politicians may pretend to, to avoid sparking a war they know their country couldn't win and economy couldn't handle, but the countries that present the biggest problem politically, economically, and environmentally (because believe it or not, america has been a fairly green country for decades in comparison with the rest of the world; in point of fact, the biggest causes to the hole in the ozone are actually due to volcanic eruptions which release a toxic gas that destroys ozone and the methane gas released from cows) don't particularly want to follow america's example. so even if we're the most peaceful, greenest country in the world, why would the hugely pollutant, unstable governments, whose people aren't dieing of obesity and heart disease but malnutrition and malaria want to step in line and follow their enemy country's example? it's illogical, and fairly naive to believe that would be the result.

. . .

but i've gotten way off from the point i actually got on to make.

i'm so tired of wishy-washy, flaky christianity, wherein the so-called followers and even "experts" claim neutrality on points Jesus was clear about. this morning i was reading from matthew 10. well, Jesus makes a lot of stuff clear in this chapter, not the least of which is that being a strong christian may cost you your life. in opposition to taking the lives of non-converts, christianity demands that you pursue righteousness and truth in the face of adversity (non-converts) seeking their conversion, not through threats but through love, which is more powerful apparently, since doing this could cost you (and has cost many) your life in demonstration of that love. but Jesus makes a point in this chapter that is often overlooked. no disciple of Christ, or christian, should ever convert into this lifestyle thinking that Christ came to bring a peaceful solution to all the world's problems and that all christians just live happily in harmony with society. wrong. Jesus says explicitly in matt 10:34:

"do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."

now before you go crazy thinking Jesus was claiming war, understand the meaning of the word sword. Jesus wasn't talking about the shiny weapon used in lord of the rings; He was referring to what is also called to the sword of the Lord -- Jesus' words. His words divide and separate two clear sides as would a literal sword cutting through a...block of wood, we'll go with a block of wood. Jesus controversial teachings clearly define truth and falsehood and force one to be on one side or the other. either you believe Him or you don't. you can't sit on the fence with Jesus' teachings. if you don't 100% believe He's the Son of God, come for the salvation of all, then on you're on the other side, intentionally or no. Jesus' words sparked debate, controversy, riots, and total lifestyle changes with an opposing way of thinking. while His actions were never viscous or cruel and he was only ever physically peaceful, His teaching were not. in His own time two millenia ago, His teachings were confrontational enough to send Him to death on the cross as a convicted felon. how much more so today should we as christians expect His teaching to be confrontational to the point of public crucifixion? but the chapter goes on to offer an overused/under appreciated promise:

"he who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it."

if Jesus offers those willing to lose their life for Him a new and better life in eternity with Him, then what are we so afraid of losing?

graduation prayer

at baccalaureate the other night, they had us (graduates) repeat the lyrics to this old song as a prayer. i already loved this song, but it means even more to me now, as it will always carry with it that memory from graduation. it's an awesome song; the lyrics pack a powerful message. anyways, it's been on my mind, so i decided to post it: "take my life" (written as performed by chris tomlin)

take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
take my silver and my gold
not a mite would i withhold.
take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.

here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for Thee.

take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
take my love, my Lord i pour
at Your feet its treasure store
take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

take myself and i will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for Thee.
here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for Thee.
here am i, all of me.
take my life, it's all for Thee.

here am i, all of me.
Lord, take my life, it's all for Thee.

take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee...

congratulations to the graduating class of two thousand and nine.
may this be your constant desire and eternal prayer.

one more

it feels like i have lost this fight
they think that i am staying down
but i'm not giving up tonight
tonight the wall is coming down
i am stronger than my fears
this is the mountain that i climb
got 100 steps to go
tonight i'll make it 99

one more
go one more
yeah, yeah
don't stop now
go one more
yeah, yeah
one more
go one more
go one more
yeah, yeah

i have everything to lose
by not getting up to fight
i might get used to giving up
so i am showing up tonight
i am my own enemy
the battle fought within my mind
if i can overcome step one
i can face the 99

one more
go one more
yeah, yeah
don't stop now
go one more
yeah, yeah
one more
go one more
go one more
go one more
yeah, yeah

one more
go one more
yeah, yeah
don't stop now
go one more
yeah, yeah
one more
go one more
go one more
go one more
yeah, yeah

go one more
yeah, yeah...

-- superchick: one more

this the power of the cross.

i love the message of this song, both the image it creates and the theological significance it portrays.

appropriate this time, i believe, considering easter is not about a giant, chocolate egg pooping bunny.

oh, to see the dawn
of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to calvary.
tried by sinful men,
torn and beaten, then
nailed to a cross of wood.

this, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
took the blame, bore the wrath—
we stand forgiven at the cross.

oh, to see the pain
written on Your face,
bearing the awesome weight of sin.
ev'ry bitter thought,
ev'ry evil deed
crowning Your bloodstained brow.

this, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
took the blame, bore the wrath—
we stand forgiven at the cross.

now the daylight flees;
now the ground beneath
quakes as its Maker bows His head.
curtain torn in two,
dead are raised to life;
"finished!" the vict'ry cry.

this, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
took the blame, bore the wrath—
we stand forgiven at the cross.

oh, to see my name
written in the wounds,
for through Your suffering i am free.
death is crushed to death;
life is mine to live,
won through Your selfless love.

this, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us.
what a love! what a cost!
we stand forgiven at the cross...

-- keith and kristyn getty: the power of the cross

allow me to get on my soapbox please...

there's this newish song out that plays on the radio all the time now. it's called "while i'm waiting" by john waller. i think the intent behind the song -- to continue to strive for growth in your relationship with God no matter where you are -- but that's as far as my feelings toward this song go on the good side.

there is a false attitude in my generation of believers. "i will serve you while i'm waiting. i will worship while i'm waiting..." waiting for what exactly? yeah, you're in church; you're mildly involved, but you're always waiting for something. always looking around, trying to see some sign for where God is "calling" them in ministry or life or whatever. i mean, i'm 22 years old. i have no idea where God is taking me in life. i don't know. and that's a little scary. but it's one thing to not know and be a little scared, and another to follow this trend today of sitting around, half-serving God in church, being technically "involved", but never living to your full potential because you're busy "waiting on the Lord".

that phrase is taken so out of context. that's so not what was meant. the concept, i think, comes from psalm 27:14. but look at its context --

Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.
--psalm 27:12-14

in other words, david is saying he's been at points in his life when there was so much despair and suffering, it seemed like God was nowhere in it, like he'd just up and been deserted. yet he has found that, if in these times of darkness he is just patient for long enough, God always reveals himself. wait on the LORD. when if feels like all hope is gone and you're at a point in the tunnel where you feel like you'll never see daylight again, wait on the LORD. He is good. and though at that time it may not feel like it, He is still in control and will reveal Himself to you when the timing is right. His timing is perfect.

david was not saying to sit around and wait for the voice of God to speak to you and tell you some hardcore awesome plan for your future and how exactly to go about doing that. am i knocking those people who preach on sunday or stand up in convo and claim they saw a sign or heard a call as clear as crystal and everything in their lives snapped and BAM! now they've got the whole thing planned in widescreen, hdtv format and they're dead center in God's will? of course not. you may be an exception. God may have something so special planned for you that you need to have some direct signal of where to go. but you should know the rules -- don't bet on the exception. plan as if you're the normality. it won't be a big difference if God has to redirect you a bit. on the other hand, if you plan that you're the exception and you aren't, you'll wind up fifty, settling for second best in your personal pew (complete with your own butt imprint) waiting even still to see where God's going to call you.

people like to compare themselves to samuel. you realize of course that he was very much an exception, right? i mean think about it, he was so not anticipating a direct call from the voice of God that he didn't realize that's what he heard when it happened. and it's not like he was out of touch with God or anything. he worked in the temple -- directly under the high priest. and while eli certainly wasn't the high priest of the millennium, he was in contact with God. and was sammy sitting around on his hind quarters waiting before his call? of course not. he'd chosen a path and was studying under the high priest, living at the temple, doing everything within his power to head in the right direction and learn as much about God as possible.

so even if you wanted to use him as a reference, he's still not a good example. he was more than just a choir member/sunday school teacher waiting on God's direction. he'd chosen a path and was striving to that end with all his might.

look at paul. great man; prime example of leader in the church and what the power of God can do. did you ever see paul waiting on the Lord? of course not. it even sounds ludicrous. what does paul do? he takes action. he makes a plan and goes with it. he headed toward asia, got a no. did God save time and tell him before hand not to go to asia? no. did he sit and wait for someone to tell him where to go? no. he just went. and when God wanted to redirect him, He made it clear. paul chose another path, got a no. chose to go toward rome (in the general direction of macedonia by the way) and what happened? he got the go ahead. the "macedonian call" in fact was less a call by God to stop waiting because paul got his answer then it was the "macedonian thumbs up". paul had gotten so many nos in a row that God rewarded him with a yes. (no doubt he was probably feeling a bit unsure by that point.)

so then what does this mean? my generation is good at waiting. waiting for this; waiting for that; waiting for something big to come along. am i saying it's wrong for us while we're in college or just strait out to be confused and test the water in several directions and look for signs from God as to which direction is the right one? of course not! half my friends are looking for internships or jobs or grad schools and it's fine to be unsure of where exactly we're going after may. i'm still not sure. but i think we should be striving with all our might toward those internships, jobs, and grad schools, doing everything possible to get the go ahead, not sitting idly, willing God to give us the right job when we haven't sent out any resumes. and i don't think we should be looking for big signs from God necessarily. an acceptance letter may be a sign, but a closed door or a rejection call, that's a sign too.

and i think it's stupid to sit and wait for God to direct our path when we haven't chosen one. be like paul. pick a path. pick a career or an internship or a job or a grad school and go with it. if God wants you there don't expect a beaming arrow over the campus and if he doesn't want you there, be willing to adapt. but don't act like you shouldn't move on the off chance that it might be the wrong direction from where God wants you. life's choices aren't always right and wrong. sometimes you get two rights and God lets you choose which way to head. if you're working and following His guidelines (the Bible -- that one's not really just a judgment call), He'll keep you on the path He wants you on. He'll give you a go ahead or a closed door when necessary. but don't expect a voice to tell you the future. if you want that, dial madame serina's 800 number.

find a path. walk it. be flexible. God will lead you if you let Him. but don't just stay at a standstill, going through motions, looking involved, but empty, waiting for some divine intervention in your life.

don't live, all the while just waiting.

closing time: every new beginning starts with some other beginning's end

okay, so here it is; long awaited and overdue -- the list. this is my list of random things i've learned over the last three and a half years at liberty.

• teaching yourself an entire course the week before finals is a bad idea.
• the friends you make here will define who you become. choose wisely.
• don't date your freshman year. ever. just don't.
• life's too short to care what they think: have fun.
• take lots of pictures.
• skipping classes is a luxury only allotted to freshmen. and sometimes not even to them.
• remember that you are paying tens of thousands of dollars a year for an education. NOT to stalk boys in an "up and coming" garage band...that's illegal.
• always make sure your car is in reverse when you're backing up. always.
• never trust the kid playing guitar on the circle. he only actually knows two songs...it's like moths to a flame...
• never mix tests and all-nighters. neither you nor the test come off the better.
• take lots of road trips.
• sneak out after curfew at least once. just don't get caught.
• take pity on the nerds. they may one day return the favor.
• while it may work, flirting to get answers to homework questions is not always wise. a test paper will not take pity on you and fill itself out just because you've batted your eyelashes and dressed nicely...
• wearing heels on ice is not a good idea. do not attempt.
• you may be one of those who thinks all rules are for breaking. you've been misinformed. the only rules worth breaking are the ones with which you'd be making a point by breaking. it's one thing to make a point or minorly and without too much danger experiment with that one night you leave after curfew, but breaking dress code just makes you look stupid and irresponsible. we all know you had to have some form of brain activity to get this far in your education, so stop acting like a freshman. and if you're stupid enough to get caught breaking the rules, take it like a man and do your time. just stop whining about the fact that the strict and conservative CHRISTIAN university you chose to attend has rules. welcome to life. everywhere you'll ever go will have rules. life has rules. and life may not be as forgiving as your dean.
  
• make sure to skip class to play in the snow at least once. just also make sure it's not a day when something's due. or that your teacher doesn't see you leaving the building...
• take your classes seriously. you'll regret it later if you don't.
• on the other hand, make sure you don't take yourself too seriously.
• as the cheesy song says, "don't blink." four years goes by a lot faster than you'd think.

and, just like that, i'm done...

i'm home now. seems weird, ya know? like, to think i'm not going back. i'm done with school. anyways, i've had a fairly ridiculous semester, and i love relient k, and somehow, these words totally fit the situation. so, thanks relient k for supplying the words once again to describe exactly my feelings...

"i made it through the year, and i did not even collapse;
gotta say, "thank God, for that."
i'm torn between what keeps me whole
and what tears me in half;
i'll fall apart or stay intact.

with tired eyes i stumble back to bed;
i need to realize my sorry life's not hanging by a thread,
at least not yet.

so look at me now,
it's finally christmas and i'm home;
head indoors, to get out of this weather.
and i don't know how,
but the closest friends i've ever known are all inside
singing together,
singing merry christmas, here's to many more.

it always hurt to be all by myself this time of year,
a cold and lonely christmas eve.
and living out my days alone,
well that had been my deepest fear,
but You promised You won't leave.

i look towards the east and see a star.
Jesus Christ, it's blessed my life to know just who you are;
You are my hope.

so look at me now,
it's finally christmas and i'm home;
head indoors, to get out of this weather.
and i don't know how,
but the closest friends i've ever known are all inside
singing together,
singing merry christmas, here's to many more.

deck the halls with mistletoe;
may all your heavy burdens go
up the chimney in a cloud of smoke
the fire's burning bright.
strike up the band and play the tune,
cause christmas will be here and soon;
you'll hear our song in every room
this merry christmas night.

fa la la la la la la la ...

singing merry christmas, here's to many more..."

-- relient k: merry christmas, here's to many more

only One did that for me...

"follow the star to a place unexpected
would you believe after all we’ve projected
a child in a manger
lowly and small, the weakest of all
unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mothers shawl
just a child
is this Who we’ve waited for?

cause how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
how many lords have abandoned their homes?
how many greats have become the least for me?
how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that has torn all apart?
how many fathers gave up their sons for me?

bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior
all that we have whether costly or meek
because we believe
gold for his honor and frankincense for his
pleasure and myrrh for the cross he’ll suffer
do you believe, is this who we’ve waited for?
it’s who we’ve waited for

how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
how many lords have abandoned their homes?
how many greats have become the least for me?
how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that has torn all apart?
how many fathers gave up their sons for me?
only One did that for me

all for me
all for you
all for me
all for you...

how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
how many lords have abandoned their homes?
how many greats have become the least?
how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that has torn all apart?
how many fathers gave up their sons for me?
only One did that for me...

all for me
all for you..."

-- downhere: how many kings

i heart relient k.

they certainly have a way with words.

"it's always nice to look out the window
and see those very first few flakes of snow,
and later on we can go outside
and create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky.

when february rolls around i'll roll my eyes,
turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies,
and, by the fire, my heart it heaves a sigh
for the green grass waiting on the other side.

it's always winter but never christmas;
it seems this curse just can't be lifted.
yet in the midst of all this ice and snow,
our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope.

it'd be so nice to look out the window
and see the leaves on the trees begin to show.
the birds would congregate and sing
a song of birth, a song of newer things.

the wind would calm, and the sun would shine.
i'd go outside, and i'd squint my eyes.
but for now i will simply just withdraw,
sit here, and wish for this world to thaw.

it's always winter but never christmas;
it seems this curse just can't be lifted.
yet in the midst of all this ice and snow,
our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope.

and everything it changed overnight;
this dying world, You brought it back to life.
and deep inside i felt things
shifting everything was melting
away oh away,
and you gave us the most beautiful of days.

cause when it's always winter but never christmas
sometimes it feels like You're not with us
but deep inside our hearts we know
that You are here and we will not lose hope..."

-- relient k: in like a lion (always winter)

i'm thirsty.

"i'm thirsty, God, i'm thirsty
from drinking what destroys me;
i'm pouring poison in my cup.
i'm hungry, God, i'm hungry,
consuming what controls me;
somehow it never fills me up.

we all want to find something to pass the time,
but that could never be enough.

everybody says we're all so different,
but everybody knows we're all the same.
we're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain;
something's got to change.

do you remember when you
had so much hope within you?
it lingers deep inside you still.
the more of us we swallow,
the more we become hollow
until we don't know how to feel.

we all want to find something to satisfy,
but we could never be enough.

everybody says we're all so different,
but everybody knows we're all the same.
we're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain;
something's got to change.

when everything we say and take just leads to war and hate;
we only pass the blame, sedate the pain, and move along,
but something feels so wrong, so deep inside, so hard to hide,
so desperately we try and try, and come to find that we are not what we've been looking for.

i can't believe i'm hearing people say that all is well;
i think it's time we all admit we have no good within ourselves.
cause we are not okay, we're not alright, and we need to pray for help.
forgive us for our pride, Oh God, Oh God, please save us from ourselves!

cause everybody says we're all so different,
but everybody knows we're all the same.
we're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain;
something's got to change.

so God help us --
something's got to change.
something's got to change.
so God help us,
something's got to change!

so God help us..."

-- josh wilson: something's got to change

perspective...

it's all in perspective, ya know? and i am in a daily struggle to get into the right perspective, no matter what God puts in my life to readjust it...

so everyday, i battle with myself over the true implications of one statement:

He is holy. and i'm unworthy.

Savior i come
quiet my soul
remember
redemption's hill
where Your blood was spilled
for my ransom
everything i once held dear
i count it all as loss

lead me to the cross
where Your love poured out
bring me to my knees
Lord i lay me down
rid me of myself
i belong to You
oh lead me,
lead me to the cross

You were as i
tempted and trialed
human
the Word became Flesh
bore my sin and death
now You're risen
everything i once held dear
i count it all as loss

lead me to the cross
where Your love poured out
bring me to my knees
Lord i lay me down
rid me of myself
i belong to You
oh lead me,
lead me to the cross

to your heart
to your heart
lead me to your heart
lead me to your heart

lead me to the cross
where Your love poured out
bring me to my knees
Lord i lay me down
rid me of myself
i belong to You
oh lead me,
lead me --

lead me to the cross
where Your love poured out
bring me to my knees
Lord i lay me down
rid me of myself
i belong to You
oh lead me,
lead me to the cross.

-- hillsong united: lead me to the cross

is this how it's supposed to be?...

to start off, i'm gonna make two separate posts because two separate events happened today and, while i don't believe the two are unrelated, i do believe the one should not be brought down by the other in the same post. so, in what i'm hoping will be the last post on this for a while in my sad attempts to let go of the burden that's been eating at me for the last three months, i'll post a few sad and desperate verses/prayers for the friend who shall still remain nameless...

at the end of last year i gave you a thank you card that had this verse in it:

"the soul of jonathan was knit to the soul of david, and jonathan loved him as himself."

-- 1 samuel 18:1b

that is no less true today than it was six months ago, which is why this is hurting me so much. i told you our souls were knit together, that i loved you like i love myself. actually, probably more would be a more adequate summation of this, but we won't open that can of worms. but so that you know how much this hurts, i told you then, God knit our souls together and you were probably one of the closest friends i have ever had. so every time you look me in the eyes and lie, every time you knowingly walk deeper into the darkness, every time you blow me off or try to guilt trip me and manipulate me into doing your will or treat me like dirt, every day that goes by that you continue in the lie you've created, it hurts me. physically, emotionally, and spiritually. every time you fall further into this web you've spun without so much as a second guess as to how it might affect everyone around you, you rip just a little bit more at my soul. you twist the knife in my heart. you take just another bit of my being with you. does it not bother you at all? you walk so nonchalantly away from our friendship like it's nothing. has my being become so meaningless to you that i'm just one more person to fill a room until you can find someone better to replace me? does it not bother you that you no longer know any intimate details of my life? that i see you maybe twice outside of class in a week? that we're never alone together without long awkward silences? that i haven't even met him, let alone approve?

because it bothers me. and it bothers me more that it doesn't seem to bother you. i leave in less than a month. and quite frankly i think you couldn't care less.

"even my close friend in whom i trusted,
who ate my bread,
has lifted up his heel against me."

-- Psalm 41:9

"for it is not an enemy who reproaches me,
then i could bear it;
nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me,
then i could hide myself from him.
but it is you, a man my equal,
my companion and my familiar friend;
we who had sweet fellowship together
walked in the house of God in the throng."

-- Psalm 55:12-14

hmmm...

less than one month now...in fact, i'm about 28 days now from my beloved texas...

you know, i was thinking (it's shocking, i know), i was trying to figure out why i seem to go through these spurts wherein i'll be really devoted to writing fairly regularly, and then i'll go for like months with nothing...and i think i've discovered it: i think i like pretending to be profound. no, no, it's true...it's odd, the whole blogging concept. think about it, when we're kids, we hide our diaries. then we become teenagers (i say this because up until recently it was my generation doing the whole blogging thing, it was my generation that started the whole blogging fad, and, even now, most baby boomers don't and the ones that do generally have/had teens that blog... and, by the way, i find it amusing that spell-check is underlining "blog"...) anyways, then we become teenagers and it becomes cool to lay all your feelings out on the internet for everyone to read. guess it goes along with the whole emo thing. plus, it's even worse with girls; it becomes a place online to back-stab other girls and gossip and discuss others' business. stupid girls. i hate girls. have i mentioned that lately? i don't like girls. they annoy me...but alas, i digress. i promised myself this one wouldn't be a rant...

ahem, where was i? oh, yes. blogging. i cannot really bring myself to write on here like a diary. thus, this becomes pretty much one of two things for me. it's a place to vent (as you've seen recently), though i endeavor to leave names and specifics out so that only a select few would ever be able to distinguish my ramblings. and i try to make it clear that i'm not trying to gossip; i'm simply venting. and since i think it's safer in some cases not to vent to one friend about another, it seems this is a fairly legit place to ramble on about what annoys me. OR, this is my place to discuss the sitcom that is my life. nothing particularly personal, just random moments that prove to me on a daily basis that God has a sense of humor, generally in His dealings with me. because my life is a walking opportunity for God to laugh, so why not use that to make others laugh? and as long as i'm laughing too, that means you're laughing with me not at me, right?...

haha, like, okay, today, a friend of mine in one of my classes asked me if i dyed my hair or was naturally blond? hahaha...oh, as if that one wasn't obvious...that one was good. cracked me up. indeed, i'm naturally blond, and i generally prove it on a day-to-day basis...so, indeed, that would be the other reason for this, to share with you the moments in my life that will maybe make you smile, even if it is at my expense.

i think though, maybe even subconsciously, this whole blog thing might be some need to prove we're not insecure. think about it. i know i try to sound more intelligent and profound on here, despite the fact that i know no one really reads this, and the ones who do know me and know i'm not as cool as i like to pretend...on the other hand, i've always believed that i sound much more intelligent in writing than i do in person...this may not be an actual example of that though...

so, what was my purpose in writing this?

i don't actually know that i have one...i might just be avoiding homework...

speaking of homework, it's less than two weeks till thanksgiving break!!! yay! and i'm going home in less than a month now...i'm so excited!!

and, christmas is coming...

charlie brown: isn't there anyone who knows what christmas is all about?

linus: sure, charlie brown, i can tell you what christmas is all about. lights, please. "and there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. and lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. and the angel said unto them, 'fear not: for behold, i bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. for unto you is born this day in the city of david a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. and this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' and suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'" that's what christmas is all about, charlie brown.

three posts in one week -- it's pretty intense...

so, i think i've probably been ranting a lot lately, but there's been a lot to rant about, so i don't really feel the need to apologize about it.

this will probably also be fairly pointed to those who've been around me for the last few months and even more so within the last few weeks, but i don't care. i think it needs to be said, and since i don't know how or where else to say it i'll put it on here. [[disclaimer: i'm not usually this negative; this is just a lot of build up that i need to release.]] besides, the main person i'm talking about will probably never read this anyway and if they do maybe they'll take the hint...

i've said it before; no doubt i'll say it again: i hate lying. with a passion. it's one of the few things you can do to get on my bad side almost permanently. not to say i don't forgive someone who lies to me, but even with forgiveness, if you've broken my trust -- which is what lying does -- it will probably take a while to build it back up. so, i hate lying. a lot. like, a lot, a lot. and i don't just hate lying, i hate perpetual lying that leads to more and more lies to cover up the original instead of just acknowledging the lie in the first place. i loathe it. i don't like being around liars. they annoy me.

and i have this friend. she's been warned before, even personally acknowledged the fact that she cannot lie to save her life. she's terrible at it. she can't pull it off. and that used to be a shining factor for her. she was innocently proud of the fact that she couldn't lie to us. and then something changed. i won't explain what happened, partly because i simply cannot follow the logic behind this lie, but mainly because she has yet to acknowledge the lie and confirm what myself as well as some other friends knew quite some time ago to be the truth. she chose, as best we can imagine, to lie to cover up a problem she was having. we think the "logic" (and i use the term loosely) behind the first idea to lie came from this need she has to not disappoint us. she overlooked a small factor. (actually, she overlooked several factors.) in her attempt to not disappoint her friends, she was/is sinning and therefore disappointing God, Someone of far greater importance than her earthly peers. besides that, she has disappointed us far more by lying and continuing to lie to us.

the story gets worse though, because her lie wasn't just some simple cover up of a one-time event. it is a continual cover up of a problem she is still trying to deal with and has yet to overcome. and the lie isn't just to us, it's to everyone -- her best friends, her parents, the rest of her family, etc. and from this lie has spawned multiple other smaller lies, covering up the original. plus, the problem has continued to grow because she has not allowed others to rally around her and help her through this issue, she's continued to live a lie and pretend the problem does not exist. this has led the original issue to worsen, as well as compounded issues to the original problem.

i said she was not a good liar. she has not improved. the web she's spun has many holes, whether she realizes it or not. and she's not good at dealing with problems in general, let alone a constant deception. it's actually caused health problems. her tendency with anything is to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, until she pushes it far enough into the back of her mind that she can go on like it doesn't exist, all the while not realizing that it is eating away at her from the inside out like a cancer out of control. and that's exactly what it's doing. she's sick constantly. she's managed to push away all her friends and anger them enough that they don't particularly like being around her. she has a constant attitude; she's on an extremely short fuse, constantly angry at the people who have done nothing but continue to love her despite the fact that she is constantly stabbing them in the face and stepping on their hearts. she has secluded and hermitted herself, avoiding the people seeking her out to love. she's seeking out a dangerous relationship that's not right for her, and she knows it. she's not putting effort into school, and lying about that too.

but most noticeable and certainly most important, she's fallen spiritually. all her close friends have now noticed it and are concerned. not only is she not spiritually where she was a year ago, she's moved backwards, gossiping, envying, cussing, and extremely self-conscious for no apparent reason. she's never been extremely out there with her behaviors, able to shrug off public opinion, but she was able to be comfortable in the fact that her friends loved her and, more importantly, God loves her. now, she's constantly held back by what others will think and what they might say about her. who the freakin heck cares what other people think?? how proud and self-involved do you have to be to actually try to avoid being seen in public with the people who've put up with an awful lot of crap from you and, further, tell them that you don't like them as much as another person. in all seriousness. you know what? i'm tired of your stupid b.s. i've been through a lot this semester and you weren't there for me. i've been nothing but there for you, even when all you do is lash out at me, hurt me, and use me as some thing for you to take out your frustrations with yourself on. and you know dang well i needed you this semester. this has been the hardest dang semester of my life and i had to go through it without the one person who was supposed to be my absolute best friend. some "friend" you turned out to be. you might consider rereading that definition. while you're at it, look up loyalty, love, and honesty.

if you do happen to read this, you know who you are. this is not intended to be a break up or a lash out against you. if anything, it should be a reality check, and you might should consider taking it seriously and talking to us, cause the facts haven't changed -- you're still not a good liar. we knew by about two weeks into the semester exactly what all had happened. and the thing that disappointed us most and continues to disappoint us was not and never will be what you lied to cover up. it's merely the fact that you lied and have continued to lie about it, despite the blatant hints that we know. think about that alright. while you're sitting there reading this growing absolutely infuriated, consider this: we've been nothing but kind and understanding to you, giving you every opportunity to confess it yourself, but do you realize what it felt like every time you looked me in the eye and lied to me? and i knew it. every time. you were just twisting the knife. and you have the audacity to be mad at me for writing this? no one except the people immediately involved will have any idea who i'm talking about, but on the off chance that you read this, i want you to know, i'm still willing to listen if you're willing to talk. but you should know that it will be a long time before i can trust you again. and so that you know this too, just because i know the truth does not excuse you from the confession. for your own sake you need to get that crap off your chest. and i won't be able to start learning to trust you again until you do.

and i'm not even sure if i'll post this. i just needed to get it out there, out of my head. cause constantly being around someone who's continually stabbing my back is making me physically sick. and i think having this in writing might help. you probably won't ever see this anyway. maybe you will. i dunno. i'll leave it in God's hands now. and i'm still praying for you. because i miss my friend. but you're no longer the person i sought out as a close friend. you're just someone else i know. and you're definitely not who i'd seek out to make a close friend now.

cause you know what, this semester has been hell for me, and you haven't helped make it any less that.

He who practices deceit shall not dwell within my house;
He who speaks falsehood shall not maintain his position before me.

-- Psalm 101:7

i should be doing homework

so, apparently christians have forgotten their place. no wonder the world calls us hypocrites. do you know, i attend a fairly conservative (at the moment), evangelical university, and i have personally witnessed some of the worst belly-aching and bad attitudes on this campus by so-called christians i've ever seen. i'm reminded of this early-nineties christian song by twila paris called "God is in control"...(haha, i just heard the tune in my head and it's so nineties it cracks me up...) seriously, i think some people, though they would never put it in these exact terms, are acting like God was sitting up in heaven last night when the election was called going, "what?! wait, what??!! but i thought...no, surely not...huh. wasn't expecting that one...but, i was sure liberty was going to manage to pull in enough mccain votes for the entire country...ok, well...michael! can you bring me that scroll? the one that says "ultimate plan" in big block letters at the top? i'm gonna have to pencil in a few changes..." seriously? God was not surprised. He put obama in power -- that's right, HE put obama in power -- for a reason. His plan has not changed. some people need to take a chill pill, step back, and realize that God is still in control, regardless of whether their political affiliation is. one shouldn't be so arrogant as to assume that their way is the only way and when that doesn't happen the world will somehow implode. and for all the people out there claiming they'll move to another country, go ahead. the democrats won't care. in fact, it would probably just make it easier for them...

there are a few things i do find of interest though. first off, i find it somewhat ironic that fifty years ago, obama would have been prosecuted as a red, not haled as a hero of "change". my how times have changed that people openly welcome socialism and basic communistic principles as some kind of constructive revolution. but then, every generation must learn some lessons for themselves and my generation seems to have yet to learn much of anything. we shall soon see, i suppose. second off, i didn't realize this till a friend pointed it out today: how does a guy get to run in a presidential election when they have yet to prove he is even an american citizen?? yes, that's right, he will not release his birth records. (nor will he release his law practicing records for anything previous his election as senator, which is another equally interesting story -- how does no one find that at all suspicious?? but then, the media, being so enamored by him, doesn't seem to report anything about him that might lead one to suspicions of his trustworthiness, no matter how justified those suspicions may be...) so, it's not like the secret service or the fbi or somebody won't ever be able to get a hold of those. in fact, it is strictly against the constitution that he be allowed to be sworn in without solid proof of his birthplace, which means there's still a strange chance that he might in fact be removed from eligibility and not become president. also, so i noticed that there's a dramatic difference between his live appearance and something his campaign puts out -- they darken his skin color for commercials. that man is almost as pale as i am, and honey, i'm pasty. are ya kidding me? anybody who plays the race card in my book does not deserve respect. and quite frankly, if you voted against OR FOR obama because he is black, you are just as racist as someone burning a cross in a black family's yard. race has nothing to do with it. you vote based on political stance -- race and gender are not part of the equation. finally, the economy does not seem to bode well of this. the day after his election, the stock marked plunges, what does that tell you? well, it certainly doesn't seem to be a good omen...

more importantly though, america needs to get over this split. there's little he could accomplish in the next four years that will absolutely destroy america. and there were several good turn outs in the background of the presidential race. prop 8 was passed in ca, in fact the entire west coast had a pretty close presidential race. they almost had to change oregon and ca over for a bit. it seems at the moment as though the country is split down the middle, and it becomes obama's job to reunite the country. get over it -- you won or lost, now move on. if he does terrible, change congress in two years and it will make more of a difference than anything else.

and now is the time for christians to step up, not lay down. remember that whole constant joy, unconditional love thing? yeah, use it. God puts people in power, not us. He is the one in control, not us. and His will is what's perfect, not ours. so, for some reason unexplainable to christian conservatives, God put obama in power. now render to caesar and serve your ruler. respect the president even if you disagree. you respect the position even when you don't respect the person, and understand that when you don't respect the authority of the presidency, you're not as much disrespecting the president as you are the One who put him there, God. live what you claim you believe and maybe open the bible every once in a while. cause i gotta tell you, i've read the end of the book. this isn't a surprise. and anyone who follows christian history can tell you, christianity only ever really prospers under persecution. it's been a while here in america. maybe God's sending a wake up call...

on a completely separate note: i can't wait for christmas!!

just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you
outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "yoo hoo",
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you
outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "yoo hoo",
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
let's go, let's look at the show,
we're riding in a wonderland of snow.
giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
it's grand, just holding your hand,
we're gliding along with a song
of a wintry fairy land

our cheeks are nice and rosy
and comfy cozy are we
we're snuggled up together
like two birds of a feather would be
let's take that road before us
and sing a chorus or two
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
let's go, let's look at the show,
we're riding in a wonderland of snow.
giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap,
it's grand, just holding your hand,
we're gliding along with a song
of a wintry fairy land

just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling too
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you
outside the snow is falling
and friends are calling "yoo hoo",
come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you.

it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
oh yeah, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you...

-- relient k: sleigh ride

the irony

so, i'm absolutely disgusted by politics and america and the like at the moment. i'm tired of listening to convo speakers tell me how to vote and people bicker over small, insignificant political agendas that will never really matter that much anyways. this is a rant. i don't wanna hear back about how i should be more bipartisan or understanding or (my personal favorite) "tolerant" of people who will never tolerate my beliefs. if you disagree, go write your own blog, and don't expect me to care or read it. this is my rant, and if you don't like it, click the little back button and go google something else. you've been warned.

i'm so sick of politics. i hate it. none of the so called changes proposed are actually the problem anyway. and for the record, i challenge anyone to give me convincing statistics that will prove that an actual significant percentage of america is EVER persuaded by debates (both formal and lunchroom) or worse convocation speakers! it's ridiculous. no one cares what your opinion is because no one listens to anyone else speak. that is proved merely by those already in power -- on BOTH sides!! don't misunderstand me, i hate hitler and everything he stood/stands for, but i really do think he said it best:

"what good fortune for those in power that people do not think."

it's sooo flipping true. i'll be outright, i'm a mccain supporter (technically), though i'll also admit i disagree with him on a number of things and find him only to be the lesser of two evils. now, i understand that the words politician and liar generally go hand in hand. i know they all lie; this should come as no shock. but obama takes lying to the next level. i mean honestly, i disagree with most of the democratic stance on politics, but at least i can respect the ones who take a firm stand for their liberal beliefs. that's not necessarily a bad thing; you're entitled to your opinion. but i hate lying, particularly constant lying. i'm absolutely disgusted by how wishy-washy obama has been. i simply cannot respect the man. seriously? is the public opinion so important that you say six different things you "unwaveringly believe" to six different crowds, all of which contradict each other?? besides the fact that anyone with half a brain -- that will actually use it -- should know that most of what presidential candidates promise is never actually within their power. you want things to change? change congress. but realize congress rarely agrees long enough and works long enough for things to actually happen. you want environmental changes? that's all congress. you want gun control? that's all congress. you wanna change abortion laws? congress. i love the way dr fowler put it this morning; political elections in america have become nothing more than billion dollar pep rallies and popularity contests. meanwhile there's mass genocide in darfur and mass starvation in india. but we, the elite, sophisticated, educated, power-house of a country sit and debate and philosophize about how to solve these great problems over coffee at the country club, spending more money on the letters that follow our name than we manage to drop in the salvation army donation bucket outside walmart. yes, indeed. we really have risen to become the cream of the crop.

our forefathers would be ashamed.

now, i firmly believe in voting. i believe we see even through scripture that we are to exercise that right, to vote our biblical convictions and pray for the leaders of our country:

"Then He said to them, 'Then render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's; and to God the things that are God's.'"
-- Matthew 22:21

but notice that Christ says caesar, not republican or democrat. and caesar was definitely not in line with jewish beliefs or persuasions. so, then, vote what you're sure to be the right path morally and ethically, and for heaven's sake, pray for the election. but know that above all, it's in God's hands. and stop peddling your beliefs to people who neither care nor are listening...

and remember, despite whoever may win tomorrow, God is still in control -- even if YOU aren't. tomorrow's outcome won't shock God at all.

"Counsel is mine and sound wisdom;
I am understanding, power is mine.
By me kings reign,
And rulers decree justice.
By me princes rule, and nobles,
All who judge rightly."
-- Proverbs 8:14-16

"Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil. Therefore it is necessary to be in subjection, not only because of wrath, but also for conscience' sake. For because of this you also pay taxes, for rulers are servants of God, devoting themselves to this very thing. Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor."
-- Romans 13:1-7

"Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right. For such is the will of God that by doing right you may silence the ignorance of foolish men."
-- 1Peter 2:13-15