this will probably also be fairly pointed to those who've been around me for the last few months and even more so within the last few weeks, but i don't care. i think it needs to be said, and since i don't know how or where else to say it i'll put it on here. [[disclaimer: i'm not usually this negative; this is just a lot of build up that i need to release.]] besides, the main person i'm talking about will probably never read this anyway and if they do maybe they'll take the hint...
i've said it before; no doubt i'll say it again: i hate lying. with a passion. it's one of the few things you can do to get on my bad side almost permanently. not to say i don't forgive someone who lies to me, but even with forgiveness, if you've broken my trust -- which is what lying does -- it will probably take a while to build it back up. so, i hate lying. a lot. like, a lot, a lot. and i don't just hate lying, i hate perpetual lying that leads to more and more lies to cover up the original instead of just acknowledging the lie in the first place. i loathe it. i don't like being around liars. they annoy me.
and i have this friend. she's been warned before, even personally acknowledged the fact that she cannot lie to save her life. she's terrible at it. she can't pull it off. and that used to be a shining factor for her. she was innocently proud of the fact that she couldn't lie to us. and then something changed. i won't explain what happened, partly because i simply cannot follow the logic behind this lie, but mainly because she has yet to acknowledge the lie and confirm what myself as well as some other friends knew quite some time ago to be the truth. she chose, as best we can imagine, to lie to cover up a problem she was having. we think the "logic" (and i use the term loosely) behind the first idea to lie came from this need she has to not disappoint us. she overlooked a small factor. (actually, she overlooked several factors.) in her attempt to not disappoint her friends, she was/is sinning and therefore disappointing God, Someone of far greater importance than her earthly peers. besides that, she has disappointed us far more by lying and continuing to lie to us.
the story gets worse though, because her lie wasn't just some simple cover up of a one-time event. it is a continual cover up of a problem she is still trying to deal with and has yet to overcome. and the lie isn't just to us, it's to everyone -- her best friends, her parents, the rest of her family, etc. and from this lie has spawned multiple other smaller lies, covering up the original. plus, the problem has continued to grow because she has not allowed others to rally around her and help her through this issue, she's continued to live a lie and pretend the problem does not exist. this has led the original issue to worsen, as well as compounded issues to the original problem.
i said she was not a good liar. she has not improved. the web she's spun has many holes, whether she realizes it or not. and she's not good at dealing with problems in general, let alone a constant deception. it's actually caused health problems. her tendency with anything is to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, until she pushes it far enough into the back of her mind that she can go on like it doesn't exist, all the while not realizing that it is eating away at her from the inside out like a cancer out of control. and that's exactly what it's doing. she's sick constantly. she's managed to push away all her friends and anger them enough that they don't particularly like being around her. she has a constant attitude; she's on an extremely short fuse, constantly angry at the people who have done nothing but continue to love her despite the fact that she is constantly stabbing them in the face and stepping on their hearts. she has secluded and hermitted herself, avoiding the people seeking her out to love. she's seeking out a dangerous relationship that's not right for her, and she knows it. she's not putting effort into school, and lying about that too.
but most noticeable and certainly most important, she's fallen spiritually. all her close friends have now noticed it and are concerned. not only is she not spiritually where she was a year ago, she's moved backwards, gossiping, envying, cussing, and extremely self-conscious for no apparent reason. she's never been extremely out there with her behaviors, able to shrug off public opinion, but she was able to be comfortable in the fact that her friends loved her and, more importantly, God loves her. now, she's constantly held back by what others will think and what they might say about her. who the freakin heck cares what other people think?? how proud and self-involved do you have to be to actually try to avoid being seen in public with the people who've put up with an awful lot of crap from you and, further, tell them that you don't like them as much as another person. in all seriousness. you know what? i'm tired of your stupid b.s. i've been through a lot this semester and you weren't there for me. i've been nothing but there for you, even when all you do is lash out at me, hurt me, and use me as some thing for you to take out your frustrations with yourself on. and you know dang well i needed you this semester. this has been the hardest dang semester of my life and i had to go through it without the one person who was supposed to be my absolute best friend. some "friend" you turned out to be. you might consider rereading that definition. while you're at it, look up loyalty, love, and honesty.
if you do happen to read this, you know who you are. this is not intended to be a break up or a lash out against you. if anything, it should be a reality check, and you might should consider taking it seriously and talking to us, cause the facts haven't changed -- you're still not a good liar. we knew by about two weeks into the semester exactly what all had happened. and the thing that disappointed us most and continues to disappoint us was not and never will be what you lied to cover up. it's merely the fact that you lied and have continued to lie about it, despite the blatant hints that we know. think about that alright. while you're sitting there reading this growing absolutely infuriated, consider this: we've been nothing but kind and understanding to you, giving you every opportunity to confess it yourself, but do you realize what it felt like every time you looked me in the eye and lied to me? and i knew it. every time. you were just twisting the knife. and you have the audacity to be mad at me for writing this? no one except the people immediately involved will have any idea who i'm talking about, but on the off chance that you read this, i want you to know, i'm still willing to listen if you're willing to talk. but you should know that it will be a long time before i can trust you again. and so that you know this too, just because i know the truth does not excuse you from the confession. for your own sake you need to get that crap off your chest. and i won't be able to start learning to trust you again until you do.
and i'm not even sure if i'll post this. i just needed to get it out there, out of my head. cause constantly being around someone who's continually stabbing my back is making me physically sick. and i think having this in writing might help. you probably won't ever see this anyway. maybe you will. i dunno. i'll leave it in God's hands now. and i'm still praying for you. because i miss my friend. but you're no longer the person i sought out as a close friend. you're just someone else i know. and you're definitely not who i'd seek out to make a close friend now.
cause you know what, this semester has been hell for me, and you haven't helped make it any less that.
He who practices deceit shall not dwell within my house;
He who speaks falsehood shall not maintain his position before me.
-- Psalm 101:7
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