is this how it's supposed to be?...

to start off, i'm gonna make two separate posts because two separate events happened today and, while i don't believe the two are unrelated, i do believe the one should not be brought down by the other in the same post. so, in what i'm hoping will be the last post on this for a while in my sad attempts to let go of the burden that's been eating at me for the last three months, i'll post a few sad and desperate verses/prayers for the friend who shall still remain nameless...

at the end of last year i gave you a thank you card that had this verse in it:

"the soul of jonathan was knit to the soul of david, and jonathan loved him as himself."

-- 1 samuel 18:1b

that is no less true today than it was six months ago, which is why this is hurting me so much. i told you our souls were knit together, that i loved you like i love myself. actually, probably more would be a more adequate summation of this, but we won't open that can of worms. but so that you know how much this hurts, i told you then, God knit our souls together and you were probably one of the closest friends i have ever had. so every time you look me in the eyes and lie, every time you knowingly walk deeper into the darkness, every time you blow me off or try to guilt trip me and manipulate me into doing your will or treat me like dirt, every day that goes by that you continue in the lie you've created, it hurts me. physically, emotionally, and spiritually. every time you fall further into this web you've spun without so much as a second guess as to how it might affect everyone around you, you rip just a little bit more at my soul. you twist the knife in my heart. you take just another bit of my being with you. does it not bother you at all? you walk so nonchalantly away from our friendship like it's nothing. has my being become so meaningless to you that i'm just one more person to fill a room until you can find someone better to replace me? does it not bother you that you no longer know any intimate details of my life? that i see you maybe twice outside of class in a week? that we're never alone together without long awkward silences? that i haven't even met him, let alone approve?

because it bothers me. and it bothers me more that it doesn't seem to bother you. i leave in less than a month. and quite frankly i think you couldn't care less.

"even my close friend in whom i trusted,
who ate my bread,
has lifted up his heel against me."

-- Psalm 41:9

"for it is not an enemy who reproaches me,
then i could bear it;
nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me,
then i could hide myself from him.
but it is you, a man my equal,
my companion and my familiar friend;
we who had sweet fellowship together
walked in the house of God in the throng."

-- Psalm 55:12-14